My husband and I decided a month ago that we should start trying to have another baby. I don’t know if my reason for wanting another child is one that people will understand, especially because it sounds pretty awful and not lovey-dovey enough, but my feelings are my feelings. Actually the idea of having another baby around freaks me out and fills me with anxiety (especially when I think about my daughter’s Colic when she was an infant), and having a 24-month old running around while a new baby is here just seems disastrous. I want to have another baby now to get it over with. There I said it. Does that sound horrible? I’m an only child and always thought I would be perfectly fine with having just one child. But since the time my dad died 6 months ago, I changed my mind on the issue. It was really hard for me to go through my dad’s death basically alone. I had no siblings to cry with, I had to put up a strong face for my mom, and recently my mom told me she did her will and I’ll have to handle all the paperwork stuff, power of attorney, etc. when she passes away, all while going through the grief. That’s not something I want to even think about, especially trying to figure all that out by myself, without any siblings to help me through it. Plus, currently my daughter has a small family, and once my mom and in-laws pass away, she’ll have nobody. She has no uncles, she has only 1 aunt who still lives at home and is incapable of being a productive member of society, and she will never have any cousins. I don’t want my daughter to be alone once my husband and I pass away. So that’s why I want to have another child.

I’m 32 now and I’d like to have a baby before 35, so I thought we better start trying now because I had pregnancy issues in the past, so it could take awhile. Well, one month later I felt super sick, like I had food poisoning. I couldn’t even stand up without feeling like I would vomit everywhere. I had just gone to a restaurant 2 days earlier for Mother’s Day, so I thought for sure it was food poisoning. But 2 days after feeling that way, it went away on it’s own without vomiting, so I thought something was up. I took a pregnancy test and immediately it was positive. I was ecstatic and couldn’t believe it happened so fast! This was how it was with my first pregnancy- the one that miscarried- I got pregnant within 1 month of trying. After the miscarriage  it took me almost 2 years to get pregnant with my daughter.

Now, because my menstrual cycle is FUBAR (f*ed up beyond all recognition), I knew there would be a problem with dating this pregnancy. Since having my daughter, I’ve only had 4 periods because I breastfed, and they were all wide apart: 35 days apart, 39 days, 40 days, and the last period I had on March 31st was a whopping 49 days from the period before that. They say “normal” is around 28/30 days apart. Not so for me. Well my first prenatal appointment was today, and I explained about my irregular periods and that I didn’t know how they would date it. They used the March 31st date anyway, and said that that would mean I’d be about 8 weeks now (if I had a normal cycle). They then did a vaginal ultrasound, and it showed there was only a gestational sac and yolk sac so far. The doctor (who I love), told me not to worry because it’s probably still too early since my cycle is weird, and that he remembers my history, so he knows I’m scared. This is how my miscarriage happened the first time–they did the ultrasound and only saw a sac, so I had to have lots of bloodwork done over the week and a few ultrasounds, and they determined that I was not progressing so they told me it was a miscarriage and I had to get a D&C (Dilation and Curettage). My stomach is in knots now. I really didn’t think it was possible for this to happen again. A few weeks ago someone in my Mom’s Group told me a story of how her son was almost “aborted” so to speak, because they told her there was only a sac and no heartbeat/baby, and on the day of her D&C surgery, they did one last ultrasound to make sure nothing grew, and sure enough, there was a heartbeat. So her son wouldn’t be here today if they didn’t do that 2nd ultrasound. They dated her wrong. That story gives me hope that it’s probably just too early, and that even if there isn’t a heartbeat next week when I have to go back to the doctor, I’ll just tell them I’m going to wait for everything to play out naturally instead of getting a D&C. Maybe it will make a difference. Two days from now (Thursday) I have to get my bloodwork taken to see if my hormone levels doubled, and I also have to schedule a dating ultrasound at this place that has a good machine. Then I have another appointment with the OBGYN next Thursday. I’m not sure when I’m supposed to schedule the ultrasound for though…I’ll find that out tomorrow. Wish me luck. I’m terrified.

I got notified at the beginning of the week that my 15-month old daughter’s picture was selected as a Weekly Reader’s Choice Finalist to be on the cover of Parent’s Magazine. I was really excited because it’s an adorable picture. I read in the rules that one of the criteria they are looking for is to see your child’s personality. Well, “the Diva” definitely has that! I submitted a picture of her in a sassy outfit with a hot pink, ruffled, bedazzled skirt and a ruffled black t-shirt that says “My mom rocks” in rhinestones. She’s sticking her tongue out and has a pink bow. Very cute. Well, it turns out that there are lots of weekly finalists, and to see who moves on to the Semi-Finals you have to get everyone you know to vote for your picture daily, for a week. I don’t know 100’s of people, and many of the people I know who WOULD vote are computer illiterate, so they wouldn’t know to enter in the security word that confirms your vote is entered. Therefore, she’s dropped from #37 at the beginning of the week to #222 today. I hate entering contests that become more of a popularity contest than quality (or that allow cheaters who use computer scripts that will vote repeatedly by deleting your computer cookies). Seriously, some of these kids currently in the top 20 have terrible pictures–and I’m not just being mean or jealous. I mean the actual pictures themselves are horrible quality, like they were taken with a grainy cell phone, or the child’s face is blurry, etc. I’ve decided I’m not entering any more contests if I know there is a public vote in the early stages. What a scam. Well, in case I suddenly get crazy amounts of readers, you can vote for my daughter here, and be sure to enter in the security phrase afterwards or the vote doesn’t count. Thank you!   http://photos.parents.com/category/vote/photo/282007

Well, the Diva still isn’t walking yet. She’s 14 months old now, almost 15, and a week ago she actually let go by herself and took 6 or 7 steps, but now we’re back to just maybe 2 steps, if I let go of her hands. She can stand on her own for a good amount of time before toppling over though. It’s a little inconvenient that she’s not walking yet, because she’s REALLY heavy. I don’t know her exact weight (we go to the doctor next week), but I think when I checked a month or 2 ago she was 26 pounds. So my back is killing me from carrying her everywhere. I’m still calling her a baby until she walks. Once she walks, then I’ll call her a toddler. Towards the end of 13 months old, she started to blow kisses which is adorable. Around the same time, I dropped her to just one nursing session a day- right when she wakes up in the morning. And I’m very proud to say that 3 days ago, I weaned her for good! I was waiting for a good day to do it, and the other day she actually woke up in a good mood without screaming, so I figured it was the perfect time. I distracted her with some books, and she actually forgot about nursing. The next day I wasn’t so lucky. She had a major FIT. She screamed these really intense guttural sounds, kind of like she was growling, for a good 15 minutes straight, and she kept bucking around while lying on her back. I tried giving her a cup of milk and reading her a book, but she just pushed them away. Finally when she lost some steam, she sat there quietly and listened to me read to her and drank her milk. Today she woke up happy again and seemed to forget all about nursing, so YAY!

One of my favorite things she started doing at 14 months old was pointing out most of her body parts when asked: head, nose, ears, eyes, mouth, lips, hair, fingers, thumb, hand, arms, feet, legs, toes, back, and my favorites–belly button and tongue. Nothing cuter than her sticking her tongue out and going “mmmm” to show me. Yeah, that will get old when she’s a bratty little 7 year old sticking her tongue out at me and I scold her for it. Haha. She seems to understand a lot of words, but in terms of saying them, “ba” is a ball and a balloon. “Da” is dad, duck, and dog. That’s about it. But if I say a word, she usually can point it out.

She still loves music and will push buttons on her musical toys and will sway from side to side and clap her hands when she hears it. She’ll also start dancing in her car seat when she hears music. She is now tall enough to reach the keys on my piano, so I leave it open so she can walk over (technically, creep over) and play whenever she wants. She always gets a big smile when she realizes that she’s the one making the noises on the piano.

A few months ago I joined a Young Mom’s Group, and I really love it. It’s so nice to get advice, support, and adult company every now and then. Plus, I think it really helped my daughter with the separation anxiety she had in the past. She loves seeing other kids now and even if I’m taking her for a walk in the stroller, if she sees another child pass us, she’ll start waving and smiling at them. Overall she plays really well with the other kids. Sometimes she’ll hit instead of just touching, so we’re working on “gentle.” She’ll do “gentle” for a second and then back to hitting. In time, right?