My husband and I decided a month ago that we should start trying to have another baby. I don’t know if my reason for wanting another child is one that people will understand, especially because it sounds pretty awful and not lovey-dovey enough, but my feelings are my feelings. Actually the idea of having another baby around freaks me out and fills me with anxiety (especially when I think about my daughter’s Colic when she was an infant), and having a 24-month old running around while a new baby is here just seems disastrous. I want to have another baby now to get it over with. There I said it. Does that sound horrible? I’m an only child and always thought I would be perfectly fine with having just one child. But since the time my dad died 6 months ago, I changed my mind on the issue. It was really hard for me to go through my dad’s death basically alone. I had no siblings to cry with, I had to put up a strong face for my mom, and recently my mom told me she did her will and I’ll have to handle all the paperwork stuff, power of attorney, etc. when she passes away, all while going through the grief. That’s not something I want to even think about, especially trying to figure all that out by myself, without any siblings to help me through it. Plus, currently my daughter has a small family, and once my mom and in-laws pass away, she’ll have nobody. She has no uncles, she has only 1 aunt who still lives at home and is incapable of being a productive member of society, and she will never have any cousins. I don’t want my daughter to be alone once my husband and I pass away. So that’s why I want to have another child.

I’m 32 now and I’d like to have a baby before 35, so I thought we better start trying now because I had pregnancy issues in the past, so it could take awhile. Well, one month later I felt super sick, like I had food poisoning. I couldn’t even stand up without feeling like I would vomit everywhere. I had just gone to a restaurant 2 days earlier for Mother’s Day, so I thought for sure it was food poisoning. But 2 days after feeling that way, it went away on it’s own without vomiting, so I thought something was up. I took a pregnancy test and immediately it was positive. I was ecstatic and couldn’t believe it happened so fast! This was how it was with my first pregnancy- the one that miscarried- I got pregnant within 1 month of trying. After the miscarriage  it took me almost 2 years to get pregnant with my daughter.

Now, because my menstrual cycle is FUBAR (f*ed up beyond all recognition), I knew there would be a problem with dating this pregnancy. Since having my daughter, I’ve only had 4 periods because I breastfed, and they were all wide apart: 35 days apart, 39 days, 40 days, and the last period I had on March 31st was a whopping 49 days from the period before that. They say “normal” is around 28/30 days apart. Not so for me. Well my first prenatal appointment was today, and I explained about my irregular periods and that I didn’t know how they would date it. They used the March 31st date anyway, and said that that would mean I’d be about 8 weeks now (if I had a normal cycle). They then did a vaginal ultrasound, and it showed there was only a gestational sac and yolk sac so far. The doctor (who I love), told me not to worry because it’s probably still too early since my cycle is weird, and that he remembers my history, so he knows I’m scared. This is how my miscarriage happened the first time–they did the ultrasound and only saw a sac, so I had to have lots of bloodwork done over the week and a few ultrasounds, and they determined that I was not progressing so they told me it was a miscarriage and I had to get a D&C (Dilation and Curettage). My stomach is in knots now. I really didn’t think it was possible for this to happen again. A few weeks ago someone in my Mom’s Group told me a story of how her son was almost “aborted” so to speak, because they told her there was only a sac and no heartbeat/baby, and on the day of her D&C surgery, they did one last ultrasound to make sure nothing grew, and sure enough, there was a heartbeat. So her son wouldn’t be here today if they didn’t do that 2nd ultrasound. They dated her wrong. That story gives me hope that it’s probably just too early, and that even if there isn’t a heartbeat next week when I have to go back to the doctor, I’ll just tell them I’m going to wait for everything to play out naturally instead of getting a D&C. Maybe it will make a difference. Two days from now (Thursday) I have to get my bloodwork taken to see if my hormone levels doubled, and I also have to schedule a dating ultrasound at this place that has a good machine. Then I have another appointment with the OBGYN next Thursday. I’m not sure when I’m supposed to schedule the ultrasound for though…I’ll find that out tomorrow. Wish me luck. I’m terrified.

At nine months old, my daughter developed very strong stranger/separation anxiety from me. It wasn’t bad when I put her down for naps or bedtime, but it was impossible to deal with if I wanted to hand her off to someone else, like either of her grandmothers (and she liked both grandmothers). If I wasn’t in the room and they held her, she was fine. But if she saw me in the corner of her eye or if I just came home from being out, she would suddenly scream and reach for me, with full tears and pure hysteria. This made it really hard at Thanksgiving because relatives wanted to hold her, but she just wasn’t having any of it. I didn’t feel like dealing with the screaming, so I just held her the entire time..and my girl weighs just about 24 pounds. (This is why I weigh less now than before I was pregnant.)

She still isn’t crawling or pulling herself up, but she can drag herself on her belly, using just her arms. Good thing we have hardwood floors in the entire house. Maybe that’s why she isn’t crawling? Hurts her knees? Who knows. She started to clap, which is so adorable to see. Along with her nursery songs, I like to sing and clap to modern rock/alternative rock songs, and she follows my lead and claps also. Nothing like seeing a 9 month old baby girl with pudgy cheeks clapping to Muse’s “Hysteria” from the Absolution album. Priceless.

I’m still nursing her 4 times a day, and after 9 1/2 months of breastfeeding, my period came back. Lucky me. I was wondering when it was gonna show up again. When I first had my daughter, my intention was to become a Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM) for a year, and then look for a job again. Now that she’s almost a year old, I’m not ready to put her into daycare with people I don’t know, and miss all her 1st milestones, especially because she’s a little late with a few. If I had a family member that could watch her all the time, I’d happily go get a job, but I don’t want to leave her with strangers, at least not quite yet. I have to sit down and look at the financial issues also and weigh the costs of daycare,  not working, and paying for private health insurance (which is what I do now). Sometimes I feel like I do want to work again because I miss having the extra money, and I miss having a life. Yes, I’m a mom now, which is a life, but I miss parts of my old life, like feeling successful and productive, and going out with the girls after work for a margarita every now and then. Maybe that day will come again, like when my daughter is older and I don’t have to be home right away, but when that time comes I might have another baby at home by then. -SIGH- Do you ever wish that sometimes someone would just make up your mind for you because making decisions can be so stressful.