I’m 18 weeks pregnant and had my amniocentesis performed today to see if the baby has Down’s Syndrome. It’s going to take up to 2 weeks for the results, but a good sign is that there were no visible “markers” on the ultrasound showing deformities that may occur when a baby has Down’s. Plus, they also reaffirmed that my ratio from the blood screening is only slightly within the “higher chance” level, so the chances are about 1 percent (1: 235). I think I was more scared today about the risk of miscarriage from the amnio itself. The actual procedure didn’t hurt at all. I’ve had worse experiences with techs at the blood lab drawing blood from my arm. It feels like a pin prick, like you get when you have blood taken or have an IV put in your arm, but you only feel that on the outside of your skin. The doctor then goes through your muscle & fat layers, and that just feels weird (deep), but not painful. He did say I may feel mild cramping when he hit the uterus (like period cramps), but I barely felt anything. Since the doctor was viewing an ultrasound at the same time, he waited to push through to the amniotic sac because the baby decided to move its hand right where he was going to prick. I think it took about 2-3 full minutes for the baby to finally move its hand, (they jiggled my belly so it would move), so the doctor then pushed through and took out about 4 tablespoons of amniotic fluid. The baby then decided that it wanted to touch the foreign object in its environment, so it moved its hand over towards the needle (while I held my breath!). But the doctor said that it would only touch the side of the needle, not the pointy part. And I guess it didn’t touch the pointy part because it didn’t jerk away. Curious little baby I guess. The tech said it’s a girl, and I was thrilled about that because I have so many beautiful clothes that my 18 month old daughter barely got to wear. I think my husband is a tad disappointed, but oh well. When the doctor pulled the needle out, I could feel the needle going through all the layers of tissue, and that felt creepy. Then they had me lay there for about 5 minutes and told me to rest for the next 24-48 hours. No lifting, strenuous activity, sex, etc.

They said you can spot blood or amniotic fluid and/or feel mild cramping for the next day or 2. It’s been 9 hours so far, and I haven’t had any spotting/leaking thankfully, but I get very mild cramping when I stand or walk. So I’ve been laying down or sitting all day. My husband stayed home from work and my mom is coming over tomorrow to help me with my daughter (lifting her up, etc). The doctor said that usually if a miscarriage is going to happen, it happens within the first 2-3 days of the amnio, but usually the 1st day. After that, the other concern is infection from the needle, which can happen within 2 weeks. I’ll just keep focusing on positive, happy thoughts, so I can have a healthy little girl.

I’m 17 weeks pregnant now. Last week I went to have Step 2 of the Down’s Syndrome Screening Test done, which is blood work. Step 1 was the screening ultrasound where they check the thickness of the back of the baby’s neck to see if it has signs of having Down’s Syndrome. That part came back okay. Well, I got a call yesterday that my blood work came back as higher risk, which they call “positive,” but it doesn’t mean the baby has Down’s. The cutoff ratio for the screening risk is 1: 270. I’m 1: 235, which isn’t too far below the “safe zone,” but it’s still enough for them to call me. I know there is a very high false positive rate for this, which is a reason that many women choose not to get it done in the first place, but just the idea of it floating around in my head is freaking me out. I’m 32, and I found out that actually many women under age 35 have babies with Down’s also (not just women close to age 40). My husband and I decided we’ll get the amniocentesis done to be sure the baby doesn’t have Down’s. So I go next week for that, on August 18th. For those who don’t know, the amniocentesis procedure itself has a risk factor of causing miscarriage- a very low risk factor, but it exists. I think what’s terrifying me the most is what if they do the test, I miscarry, and then I found out that the baby didn’t have Down’s to begin with. That would horrify me. But my husband I both agree that with our circumstances and place in our lives right now, we want to take the risk and have the test done. His uncle, who is in his 50’s, has severe Autism and my husband’s 85 year old grandmother takes care of him. Once she passes away, the uncle will live with my husband’s parents and sister, and frankly, we can’t imagine how that’s going to work out because they have their own issues. It’s something I don’t want to think about. I have no siblings and my husband’s sister is incompetent, so again, I’d be lost if that was our situation. I know there are those with different beliefs, and I respect that, but that’s how I feel.

Statistically, it’s more likely that everything is okay, and the test will come back negative. But as with all things, it’s very scary to think about. I’ve read some blogs online about what other women have gone through with this situation, and majority of them have eased my fears. However, there were 2 I read about where the women went into pre-term labor and lost their babies after the procedure. It’s always that 1 person you hear about that sticks in your head. Of course those could have been natural miscarriages, such as from a weak cervix (which usually happens around the 20-week mark if it’s gonna happen) or some other issue.  I don’t know what the time period is of when you’re in the “safe zone” for miscarriage after the procedure…I’m hoping not more than a few weeks, so once those weeks pass I can relax and not be afraid. Actually, I’ll probably be too worried thinking about the results anyway (which takes 2 WEEKS) to think about that part. I’m putting all of this out there because I want to vent, and then let it go. I don’t want to think about it and just pretend in my head that everything is fine, and picture my little healthy baby in my arms, and seeing how my toddler will react to him or her. Visualize, visualize, visualize the positive. Actually, I think I’ll go find my book, “The Secret,” to help me with that. I always turn to that book when I need a pick me up. Thanks for listening everyone.

I had the big appointment today at the OBGYN to determine if my pregnancy is “viable” or not. Before my appointment I went to the gym to de-stress and kick up my happy endorphins. I hate when you go to the doctor’s office and they call you in right away, and you get undressed, but then you sit there FOREVER- naked, cold, & bored. At least there’s magazines in the waiting room. Well, that’s what happened this time. Because I was nervous to begin with, sitting there doing nothing made it worse. So I started to visualize seeing a heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor, and even tapped the machine and said, “show me good things!” My nervousness was getting the best of me though, so I finally just laid down and sang the song “Dizzy” in my head from the band Ours. That song always does the trick–I was relaxed and happy. The doctor who I like came in and said my blood work from last week looked good, so he’s going to do the ultrasound which will be the final determining factor–I guess the factor of whether it’s a miscarriage or not. I noticed he didn’t turn the monitor towards me in order for me to see the results immediately, which I was grateful for, because I didn’t want to look. He then turned it towards me and said, “We have a baby, and a heartbeat.”  Yay!! I was ecstatic, but as usual I played it off like I didn’t care and said calmly, “oh good.” Inside I was freaking out though! He said I have to get a Dating Ultrasound to determine my due date, since I’m “sizing small,” based on my last menstrual date, but we both acknowledged that it’s because I have a crazy cycle, so I know I got pregnant later than a normal cycle would.

As for my pregnancy symptoms this time around, I do get morning sickness (and evening sickness), but as with my last pregnancy, it’s not too bad. At least not enough that I vomit. I only get nauseous, especially if I have an empty stomach, so once I eat it goes away. I have a “beautiful” pregnancy mask. Ugh. Actually that was one of the reasons I took a pregnancy test to begin with. Nothing like looking like a freak to tell the world you’re pregnant! Haha. I have killer sinus headaches that make me miserable. The other day at the food store I actually had about 10 minutes of blurred vision, which freaked me out a little bit, but once I went outside it was fine (followed by a terrible sinus headache). My blood pressure is really good though, so the doctor said no biggie. I’m already urinating a lot and already have a belly, which is crazy to me. It must be bloating since I think I’m only about 7 1/2 weeks, but it’s weird since I didn’t show at all until I was about 5 months pregnant last time. They say it happens with 2nd pregnancies though. One symptom I DON’T have, which made me nervous about going into this appointment, is breast pain. With my last pregnancy, it was the most obvious symptom to me…but with this one, I have none at all. That’s fine by me. I told my husband the good news, and I started “telling” my 15-month old daughter by pointing to my belly and saying, “there’s a baby in there.” Hopefully she doesn’t start saying the word “baby” and repeating it to her grandparents because I don’t plan on telling them yet.

My husband and I decided a month ago that we should start trying to have another baby. I don’t know if my reason for wanting another child is one that people will understand, especially because it sounds pretty awful and not lovey-dovey enough, but my feelings are my feelings. Actually the idea of having another baby around freaks me out and fills me with anxiety (especially when I think about my daughter’s Colic when she was an infant), and having a 24-month old running around while a new baby is here just seems disastrous. I want to have another baby now to get it over with. There I said it. Does that sound horrible? I’m an only child and always thought I would be perfectly fine with having just one child. But since the time my dad died 6 months ago, I changed my mind on the issue. It was really hard for me to go through my dad’s death basically alone. I had no siblings to cry with, I had to put up a strong face for my mom, and recently my mom told me she did her will and I’ll have to handle all the paperwork stuff, power of attorney, etc. when she passes away, all while going through the grief. That’s not something I want to even think about, especially trying to figure all that out by myself, without any siblings to help me through it. Plus, currently my daughter has a small family, and once my mom and in-laws pass away, she’ll have nobody. She has no uncles, she has only 1 aunt who still lives at home and is incapable of being a productive member of society, and she will never have any cousins. I don’t want my daughter to be alone once my husband and I pass away. So that’s why I want to have another child.

I’m 32 now and I’d like to have a baby before 35, so I thought we better start trying now because I had pregnancy issues in the past, so it could take awhile. Well, one month later I felt super sick, like I had food poisoning. I couldn’t even stand up without feeling like I would vomit everywhere. I had just gone to a restaurant 2 days earlier for Mother’s Day, so I thought for sure it was food poisoning. But 2 days after feeling that way, it went away on it’s own without vomiting, so I thought something was up. I took a pregnancy test and immediately it was positive. I was ecstatic and couldn’t believe it happened so fast! This was how it was with my first pregnancy- the one that miscarried- I got pregnant within 1 month of trying. After the miscarriage  it took me almost 2 years to get pregnant with my daughter.

Now, because my menstrual cycle is FUBAR (f*ed up beyond all recognition), I knew there would be a problem with dating this pregnancy. Since having my daughter, I’ve only had 4 periods because I breastfed, and they were all wide apart: 35 days apart, 39 days, 40 days, and the last period I had on March 31st was a whopping 49 days from the period before that. They say “normal” is around 28/30 days apart. Not so for me. Well my first prenatal appointment was today, and I explained about my irregular periods and that I didn’t know how they would date it. They used the March 31st date anyway, and said that that would mean I’d be about 8 weeks now (if I had a normal cycle). They then did a vaginal ultrasound, and it showed there was only a gestational sac and yolk sac so far. The doctor (who I love), told me not to worry because it’s probably still too early since my cycle is weird, and that he remembers my history, so he knows I’m scared. This is how my miscarriage happened the first time–they did the ultrasound and only saw a sac, so I had to have lots of bloodwork done over the week and a few ultrasounds, and they determined that I was not progressing so they told me it was a miscarriage and I had to get a D&C (Dilation and Curettage). My stomach is in knots now. I really didn’t think it was possible for this to happen again. A few weeks ago someone in my Mom’s Group told me a story of how her son was almost “aborted” so to speak, because they told her there was only a sac and no heartbeat/baby, and on the day of her D&C surgery, they did one last ultrasound to make sure nothing grew, and sure enough, there was a heartbeat. So her son wouldn’t be here today if they didn’t do that 2nd ultrasound. They dated her wrong. That story gives me hope that it’s probably just too early, and that even if there isn’t a heartbeat next week when I have to go back to the doctor, I’ll just tell them I’m going to wait for everything to play out naturally instead of getting a D&C. Maybe it will make a difference. Two days from now (Thursday) I have to get my bloodwork taken to see if my hormone levels doubled, and I also have to schedule a dating ultrasound at this place that has a good machine. Then I have another appointment with the OBGYN next Thursday. I’m not sure when I’m supposed to schedule the ultrasound for though…I’ll find that out tomorrow. Wish me luck. I’m terrified.

I’m an only child. I was never a spoiled only child in the sense of material things, because my parents didn’t have a lot of money. But I received a lot of love and attention and never had the issues that I hear some siblings had growing up…like fighting over who gets the front seat in the car or who gets to sit with dad on a 2-seated roller coaster. I don’t know if those are real issues to most people with siblings, but they seemed to have bothered my husband growing up since he always lost those fights to his older sister. My mom was the disciplinarian in the family while my dad was the one who made everything better, even just by letting me cry in his arms after mom yelled at me. Whenever I wanted to go to a friend’s house for the day or rent a movie, his standard comment was “Go ask your mother.” And if mom wasn’t home it was always, “Sure, that’s fine.” I had a close relationship with my father and was definitely “daddy’s little girl.”

In early 2001, when I was 24, I found out that my dad had prostate cancer, at age 60. He had his prostate removed and received a lot of radiation and chemotherapy. Being the tough blue collar guy he was, he acted like it never bothered him too much. After that it seemed to be in control. A few years later they said that a few cancer cells might still be somewhere because his count was up in his blood. My parents did a horrible job at keeping me informed on his condition and the details–I don’t know if they purposely kept it from me or if they just didn’t want to talk about it, so I never knew  the specifics on everything. Well a few years after that his legs started to swell up like crazy and he would get winded very easily. One day he actually had a seizure because his blood pressure went up too high. It turns out that the chemo destroyed his kidneys, so he had to start dialysis- 3 days a week for 5 hours a day. In retrospect, I think that out of all his different illnesses/conditions, the dialysis is what ruined his quality of life the most. He basically became tied down to a dialysis center, so he couldn’t travel easily, and my parents loved to travel. He always wanted to go on a Panama Canal Cruise, and unfortunately only a few cruise lines offer dialysis on-board, and those that do cost you double the price of a ticket, so they couldn’t afford it. It always killed me inside that he never got to go on his cruise. After a few years of being on dialysis and a ton of other symptoms, he was diagnosed with lung cancer and heart disease and needed several heart stents put in.

I realized when my dad was first diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2001, that my time was probably limited with him, so I made an effort to appreciate every moment I had, and I always hoped that he would be able to see some of my “firsts” in life. I was so thankful that he was able to see me get married and walk me down the aisle in 2006. My next wish was that he’d still be around to see me have a baby. When I got pregnant the first time and miscarried right away (this is in my earlier blog posts), I thought I had lost my chance and it made the miscarriage even harder to deal with. Almost 2 years later I finally got pregnant again and I was thankful he had at least known that I would have a baby. You have to understand that in the past 8 years, he had been in and out of the hospital non-stop, and there were quite a few times that we thought he was on death’s door in the ICU of the hospital wing, so I didn’t know if he would “make it” to see the birth of my daughter. He did make it, and he visited us in the hospital to see his only grandchild. He was a wonderful grandpa to my daughter and always talked to her, played with her, and mostly loved to just stare at her and say how beautiful she was.

In September my dad started the Hospice program, and I took my daughter to see him as much as possible. She really was his source of joy, and whenever he saw her, his face would light up and he we get a huge smile. My husband and I are Halloween fanatics and we do our house up like crazy for it, so in early October, even though he was really weak and never left the house, he wanted to come see the house, so my mom packed up the oxygen tank and he came. He couldn’t stay long, but at least he saw it. I think he just wanted to see our house one last time. On October 9th, his 68th birthday, we visited him and I bought him an ice cream cake. Surprisingly his appetite was back and he ate his piece of birthday cake. It’s the little things like that that make me smile. On November 4th I turned 32, and on November 8th my daughter turned 9 months old. We visited my dad on November 8th and even though he was in and out of consciousness from being so tired and on really strong pain medicine, he managed to laugh and smile when my daughter did the same. As we were leaving he said “thanks for everything.” The next day he passed away, exactly one month after his birthday. Later on my mom told me that before we visited him on the 8th, he kept asking what day I was coming to visit him. I guess to hold out for it.

I am so grateful that he was able to meet his granddaughter. The one thing I’m really heartbroken about though, is that she will never “know” her grandpa. He was the nicest, most generous man, with an awesome sense of humor and I know she would have had a blast with him. When people think of my dad, they think of him as always laughing and making jokes, and that’s how I choose to remember him and what I hope to convey to my daughter about him. People say my daughter doesn’t really look like me or my husband yet, but I think she has my dad’s smile, and that’s truly a gift. I love you dad. 10/9/1941 - 11/9/2009

It was time to get the anatomical ultrasound where they check to see if everything looks ok so far, and to see if they can tell the sex of the baby. I definitely wanted to find out what I was having. When I was in college I used to think that IF I were to have kids, I’d want a boy. But now I wanted a girl more. I’m not sure why; I think I could just envision a little girl running around my house more than a little boy. Like most men, my husband seemed to want a boy more. He’s the total “anti-jock,” so it wasn’t about sports or anything. He pictured teaching his little boy how to play guitar, computer stuff, and other random things. But I just FELT like I was carrying a girl and I told him this to prepare him, just in case I was right.

The appointment day came. I was actually pretty nervous about the test because I wanted to make sure everything was ok, so I wasn’t really thinking about the baby’s sex that much.  Plus, I didn’t have too much faith in the results being correct anyway. I have a friend who had multiple ultrasounds and they all told her she was having a girl. So EVERYTHING was pink at her baby shower- bassinet, clothes, quilts, etc. Delivery day came and out came a boy! She was doing returns for months after that. So I went into the ultrasound thinking that if they say “boy,” then I’m having a boy. If they say “girl,” then I’m having a girl or boy. During my ultrasound everything looked good and the baby was in a head-down position, so I was very relieved. After you have a miscarriage and after trying for so long to get pregnant you tend to get a little paranoid about everything. I was like this my whole pregnancy. In fact, I didn’t tell any of my family I was pregnant until I was almost 4 months along, just in case something went wrong. I didn’t tell my job until I was 5 months pregnant (I was barely showing so I got away with it).

Now that the anatomy stuff was out of the way, it was time to find out the baby’s sex. The technician said my baby was in a curled position so she couldn’t get a good view. She kept jiggling my belly around, had me turn to my side, etc. Finally she said, “Girl!”  I looked at my husband and laughed. Could this be my first case of “mother’s intuition?”  Maybe! I asked the tech how sure she was that it was a girl. She explained that there were 3 dots, and that means it’s a girl. I still was hesitant though, so when I told my friends/family that I was having a girl, I told them that I would prefer gender-neutral items because the baby’s position wasn’t ideal. (Did I get neutral items at my shower a few months later? Nope. No one listened and gave me dresses, pinks, etc). When I went to my next doctor’s appointment, they went over the ultrasound results with me in more detail. The doctor said that the ultrasound place recommends a follow up scan in a month because they couldn’t get good pictures of the baby’s heart, due to the baby’s position. I immediately got really nervous, but the doctor told me it’s only because of the position so they just want to double check. Since my insurance was going to cover it, I made the appointment for a month later and tried to relax and focus on the fact that at least I’ll get a 2nd opinion on the baby’s sex!

It was time for my appointment at the fertility specialist to see what they could do about my blocked fallopian tubes. I was nervous, but excited because I read a lot about this specialist and how he does non-surgical clearing of the tubes. Plus, I was going to a concert in Hoboken that night, so I was feeling pretty good. At the appointment they did more tests, blood work, ultrasounds, and he said that when my time of the month came (which was due in a week), I had to come in to get another Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). As I was leaving he said I was sitting in the “lucky chair,” aka the pregnancy chair, so that made me smile. I went to the concert that night and felt awesome. I had good vibes about this doctor, the vocals at the show were amazing, and I had my two best friends with me which put me in even a better mood.

And then the waiting game began. Why is it that when you’re trying to get pregnant you always hope that your time of the month never comes, and when you’re anxiously awaiting for it to come, it takes its sweet old time? I was hoping for it to show up quickly because I wanted to get this HSG and start the process of fixing me. (If this were a movie, I’d totally put in Coldplay’s “Fix You” right here.) I was now 2 weeks overdue, but that didn’t concern me because for the past year my cycle was totally messed up. You see, from using ovulation tests the past 6 months, I discovered that I ovulate late (around Day 20 instead of Day 14) and I even totally skipped a period 2 months before this time.  So I’m thinking, “Great..I’m anxious to try to get pregnant, and my cycle decides to skip another month NOW. Right when I’m trying to get this HSG done. Just wonderful.”  Some of my coworkers were planning on going out for Happy Hour one Friday after work, and I couldn’t wait to go and get hammered because I was so stressed from all the stuff going on. That Friday morning when I was getting ready for work, I thought that since I was planning on drinking a lot, maybe I’ll just take a quick pregnancy test so that I didn’t feel the slightest bit hesitant or guilty for getting wasted (nice, right?). Besides, I had plenty of tests laying around, so I might as well waste one for peace of mind.  So I took the test, jumped into the shower, totally forgot about the test (this happens when you’re used to taking tests just about every month for almost a year), got dressed, and then remembered about the test. I glanced at the test quickly, about to throw it out, and literally gasped out loud, because it was positive!  What the??? I remember thinking HOW is this possible?? I have TWO blocked fallopian tubes!! I was excited and happy, yet also doubtful and wary because the last time I had a positive test telling me I was pregnant, I soon had a miscarriage.

A week later, the specialist confirmed I was pregnant and everything looked good, and said that I could go back to my regular OBGYN because I didn’t need him since he didn’t do anything. I had later found out that the HSG itself can sometimes clear blockages, even if it doesn’t clear during the procedure. I guess for me the tubes cleared a few days later on their own. Or I like to think it was a combo of the HSG, my massages, my music, and my positive thinking. I was ecstatic to find out that I really was pregnant, and one of my first thoughts was how my unborn baby already went to its first concert, even if it was only 3 weeks old at the time.  Hey, they say you’re never too young for music.

So how did I go from being Ms. Independent to becoming a mom? Well, at 28 I got married to my long-term boyfriend, who is a musician of course, and people in our circle of friends were beginning to have kids. Also, I’m an only child, and now that my parents are aging, I think I’d be very lonely if my husband died before me. Even though I enjoyed being selfish by doing what I wanted when I wanted, somehow my opinion changed and I started to think that maybe I did want a child or 2, although I guess you can say that my reasons for wanting a kid were selfish also, now that I think about it. I’ll also blame that on being an only child.

As things tend to go in this crazy place we call life, nature had a different plan for me. I did get pregnant soon after “trying,” but had a miscarriage almost immediately after finding out I was pregnant. I was devestated and learned a lot about myself. Specifically, I was shocked about how destraught I was over it for someone who “didn’t really care if she had kids or not.” That experience made me realize that I DID want children, even if it meant I may have to curb my concert road trips a little bit once I had a child. (I was averaging about 30-40 concerts a year.) During that time I went to quite a few shows to help me get some enjoyment back mentally. It’s crazy how songs you’ve known for years suddenly take on new meanings when something powerful happens in your life. Songs that you used to think were about love & loss of some guy/girl you dated, now were about death. The lyric, “how come we hurt the ones we need” got transformed into some kind of song about the body’s natural way of screwing you over by taking what you wanted and putting you into a depression.

I totally respect artists who don’t like to share their own personal meaning of what their songs are about because they don’t want it to take away from someone else’s interpretation of what it means to them. Besides, half the fun of listening to a musician’s mysteriously dark lyrics is trying to figure out what happened to him and what influenced those lines.